We’ve all heard the saying, “getting out of your own way,” but what does it truly mean? Donna Brooks, a social worker who co-leads parenting and domestic violence survivor groups at the WJCS Trager Lemp Center for Treating Trauma and Promoting Resilience, has recently published a book called B.O.S.S.: A Self Guide on How to Be the Boss You Were Meant to Be. B.O.S.S. stands for Brave Outstanding Sense of Self. Here is a brief excerpt providing guidance for how to get out of your own way and prevent self-sabotage so you can lead the life you want to have:
You begin by putting the self-doubt that looms in your mind to rest. There is a huge difference between self-doubt and self-inventory. Self-doubt well, that’s the voice that tells you, you can’t, you’re not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. That’s the voice that will continue to get in your way from success and from moving to the next level in life.
As a therapist, I would be remiss if I didn’t normalize the fact that we all have moments when we question ourselves. But as a therapist, I’m going to give you another way of looking at this. In the therapy world this is called a reframe. Try this on for size; how about instead of owning it as self- doubt, we’re going to own it as self- inventory? We all need to take inventory from time to time. This is vital in order to truly know, love, and appreciate who we are. Self-inventory is taking a truly hard and close look at self and being honest about your limitations, abilities, strengths, and fears but doing so with compassion.
We must be authentically honest and by taking self- inventory with a compassionate lens, you’re able to hone in on your skills and qualities while recognizing and tapping into the areas that need improvement. Try saying it out loud. I guarantee you I’m taking self-inventory and working through some self-doubts right now. Small meaningful changes are key. So, if we are first and foremost able to just incorporate a reframe of words and how we regard ourselves, we have already begun the process of laying the foundations for our greatness and being a boss.
Chances are, we not speaking to or about ourselves in a positive manner. Words hold so much power. Rule of thumb: If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, then don’t say it to yourself. If a friend shared with you that they made a huge mistake, they messed up big time, how would you respond? Chances are you would support them and encourage them to recognize alternatives to feeling like it’s the end of the world. Chances are you would say something like, “You made a mistake, ok you’re human; we all make mistakes, and it’s all going to work out.” Isn’t it ironic how we can be so gentle with our friends and so brutally harsh on ourselves? Have you indulged in language such as “that was so stupid of me, I messed up again, I should have known better, or I’m a failure” type of language? We clearly would not speak this way to a friend, so why do we continue to speak this way to ourselves? I’ve literally cut myself off in the middle of s negative thought like “Girl, stop we don’t have time for this” Getting out of our own way means engaging in positive self-talk and practicing self-compassion.
The next time you recognize that you’re talking negatively or being non compassionate to yourself, stop and ask yourself what would I say to a friend. We not only need to speak and think positively, but we must also walk in our positivity. The definition of self-sabotage refers to behaviors and thought patterns that hold us back and prevent us from doing what we want to do. Self-sabotage can sometimes be rooted in fear, being so fearful of failing that you don’t even try.
As long as you preserve, persist, and never surrender your ambitions, dreams, goals, and aspirations, failure becomes obsolete along your path. Cease contemplating your inability to achieve greatness; cease pondering the uncertainties of life. Let’s start thinking from the perspective of why not? Why not give it a try? Why not go for that promotion? Why not start my own business ? Why not ask for that raise? We must learn to incorporate this “why not” approach to life.
Let’s take a moment to examine what self-sabotage behaviors can look like. Rejecting praise and compliments. Not asking for help when we can clearly use it. Refusing to do something unless we can do it perfectly. Procrastinating. Constantly engaging in self- criticism. Not trusting your decision and judgement. Putting everyone else’s needs above our own. Does any of this sound familiar? Do you see any of these behaviors in yourself? If your answer is yes, then say hello to your journey of discovery; you just indulged in self-inventory and you are on your way to claiming your greatness and being a boss.
To sum it up. In order to get out of your own way, in order to minimize the roadblocks, you continue to put in front of your path and begin to eradicate these patterns of self- sabotage, its vital to take self – inventory. Ask yourself these questions: Are my daily thoughts and habits healthy? Am I allowing myself to evolve or just revolve? Am I moving forward in life or just going in circles?
This excerpt has been published with the permission of Donna D. Brooks, author of B.O.S.S.: A Self Guide on How to Be the Boss You Were Meant to Be.
